Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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