i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
