Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Actions speak louder than pants.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
and you fell through a lawn chair
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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