i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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