nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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