Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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