i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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