I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
