Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
