our cab driver is having phone sex.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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