I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
