Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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