If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
