I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
