First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
