i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
