apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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