I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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