1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
