You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
