i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
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