The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
