Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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