I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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