I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
