Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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