woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
