Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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