New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
