i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
