while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
