Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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