Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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