Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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