she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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