I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
