I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
