god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
