My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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