Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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