Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
