I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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