just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
