You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
