I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
