you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
