i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
there's paper in my vomit.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
