I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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