I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
