She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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