I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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